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late, late, late

I couldn't be on time to anything if you paid me! And that is exactly what my job does. They pay me to be at work...on time, would be nice. However, I just can't seem to do it. Part of the problem is...no, it's just me. Being me. I'd like to blame my parents. It seems the cool thing to do, be my age and blame your parents for everything. So, mom, dad, I blame you for my chronic lateness. There. I do feel somewhat better!

almost a year

It's coming up on a year since we lost a dear, dear friend/uncle. Corey left us what seems like forever ago, yet just yesterday. Even though it's been almost a year, I still feel like he's gonna show up at our house and scoop the kids up and give them great big hugs. I still feel like he's gonna call and it will all have just been a terrible nightmare, or misunderstanding. Something. But, I doubt that will happen. It looks like we're just going to have to keep going on missing him. Thinking about him past tense. We'll be talking about him, and it's weird, it will just hit me all over again, that wow, he's not here. Really, seriously, not here. And not coming back. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I loved him dearly. It breaks my heart even more, because I see how much it pains Keith to have lost his best friend. That isn't a pain that will leave him anytime soon, or probably ever. It hurts me because Tiernan absolutely adored Corey. He looked up to him. He was his best buddy. And Tiernan is heartbroken over having lost him. It hurts knowing Belle and Jack will only have very faded memories of him. As they get older, they will most likely remember him less and less. Jack was not even 2 year when we lost Corey. We talk about him, and I show him pictures, and he points him out, and that makes me feel better. But oh how I wish Isabelle and Jack could know Corey the way Tiernan knew him. Or maybe I'm thankful that they weren't old enough to understand how much it hurts to lose someone we love. I saw Tiernan struggle for the longest time. He, unfortunately, was not too young to experience the pain of losing Corey.

One day I hope he will be able to show the Loflins the book that he wrote in memory of Corey shortly after his passing. He wrote it to show Corey's mom, to show her how much he loved Corey. We haven't yet, because I just cannot even begin to imagine her life without Corey. Being a mother myself, I don't even want to try to imagine how difficult this year has been for her.

But I am thankful that we did have Corey in our lives while we did.

This year has felt like an eternity, yet it feels like just yesterday. It's still a little numb.

not so much a baby anymore

Isabelle woke up yesterday morning and literally stopped me in my tracks (odd phrase). I just stared at her and said, "Isabelle, you're so tall!" "I know, mom." "and...and so so beautiful. you're so old now!" "yeah, I know I am. I'm 4" I was just amazed at how overnight my baby girl has become a little girl. Not even a toddler, an actual girl. I tried explaining this to Keith. I said, "she looks like a little girl now!" he said, "well, she is, I mean..." I said, "no, no, I mean, like, she looks older. Not like a baby or a toddler, she's growing and becoming a little girl." he still didn't get it. But I just couldn't stop watching her as she sat on the couch, then ate her breakfast.

My babies are slowly (or quickly) becoming not babies anymore. I don't know that I like that. Now anytime Keith says he can't wait till they're all in school or grown up, he will get slapped!

Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

View all my reviews

finished this book. wonderful book and I'd recommend everyone read it.

hmmm....

we're kid free. completely, 100% kid free for the entire night. This happens so rarely that I forget what it feels like. And to be honest, it isn't like, WOOHOO!! NO KIDS ALL NIGHT! it's more like, let's go, let's leave the house and get busy right now before I miss the kids to the point that I have to go get them, and then ruin THEIR night out!! They probably wouldn't like it too much if I showed up at the door and said, "come on, time to go home, let's go..mama can't sleep without having y'all piled on top of me! come on!" they'd be pretty upset, I imagine. But boy do I miss my babies when they're gone!

thoughts of an ADD mother, too early in the morning

So this morning, rather early, I was sitting there, really standing, thinking, first off, wow, this tank top really smells funky. You know that sour smell when you leaves clothes in the washing machine too long before moving them to the dryer? The smell that only washing the whole load all over again, sometimes twice, can remove? Yeah, that smell. But that's not really what I was thinking about. It was, but not ya know, why I wanted to jump on my blog. Pretty sure I didn't have this urge to share with "all my followers" that my shirt stinks...

I WAS THINKING....I sure do start a lot of stuff that I never, ever finish. My blog, for instance, is a perfect example. Looking back, I have entries about how I'm gonna start blogging. Right. That lasted a long time. I'm just not a blogger. I'm more of a, this is the funny thing Isabelle said today, kinda mom.

Then I remembered my about my whole P90x thing last year. That actually lasted much longer than I thought I could do. Wish I had gone longer. I could have amazing arms like the mom on Modern Family. Wow...I really want her arms. I'll take the entire body, but if I could just have her arms, I'd take it. Them.

Then I thought, I think I'm gonna get on my blog and blog about my ADDness. But maybe I'll just start a brand new blog, so I...no, no wait. This is your problem, Sarah. Finish....what...you....start. So...here I am. writing on my same old, jumbled up, ridiculous blog. And I realize one or two or a few things....I'm seriously, terribly bad about commitment. Not that I flake when I promise you I'm gonna do something. I do my best to follow through on stuff. I have zero desire to let you down, and I rarely let someone down, at least I hope. But I have been known to say I'm going to do something, then freak out thinking, omg, I can't do that, and just...don't do it. How sad. I don't like that. But I can assure you that in no way is it because I think I'm too good to help you or I'm better than you or I"m selfish like that. I just, I'm working on it.

But there are some things that I haven't flaked out on, and I must say, I'm very impressed. For one, almost 9 years (ugh, yes, nine next month) later, I'm still a loving, devoted, fabulous :-), caring, very proud, sometimes easily frustrated, but couldn't love my kids any more, mama. I'm far from perfect, and every single day I go to bed thinking, "I could have done that better." or "I need to learn to braid hair, cuz moms of girls are supposed to sit and braid their daughters' hair" and things like that. But I also realize that I've never in my life had more joy than when I had kids. They make my life absolutely fabulous. I wouldn't want a life without those 3 rascals. Seriously. I think they're pretty amazing. I'm pretty impressed that I've stuck around for 9 years, and have absolutely zero desire to not be their mama.

And for like 20 or 5 years, not sure, I've stuck with Keith...or really, honestly, he's stuck with me. Because no matter how many times I've threatened it, we all know Sarah cannot make it on her own. I hate admitting that, ugh, I do kinda need him. I'm bad at following through on things, terrible, and he doesn't always remind me of this, which is really nice of him. He just knows he'll have to remind me. And he'll get bitched at for reminding me, but he still does it! I'm terrible at decorating, and he's like a gay man (this is not intended to be a negative gay man comment. I know some fabulous gay men. Some who cannot decorate to save their lives, so yes, this is a rather stereotypical comments!!) when it comes to that stuff. So our house looks amazing, all thanks to him.

I'm also awful at cleaning. Has to do with that whole following through thing. I start cleaning, then get distracted....very easily. So, I stop. And then never go back till I'm super frustrated that the house is still dirty and why is it I can't clean like him?! ugh...*stomp feet, pout, ect..* He cleans the house, perfectly, every day. And 2 out of 7 days doesn't rub it in my face that he's a neat freak and I am far from in!

I'm not a miserable wife, plotting her escape (at least not every day!). I'm actually, mostly pretty satisfied with my life as a wife and mom. I'm pretty sure, like 99.9% that I'm not going anywhere. Ok, actually, I'm pretty positive I have no desire to be anything else. I am a mommy. And I know moms who will say, "Don't let being a mom be your identity..." and all that crap. Please. I am a mom. Doesn't mean I have to act like a mama when I go out or when I'm at work, even though I kinda do. But seeing as they are my life, and I'm not dealing with multiple personalities, they pretty much are who I am. And I'm fine with that...and before I just get up and forget to save this or post this, I better just go ahead and post this.....