Dishes, dishes, and more dishes!!! Oh the horror!

So, our brand new dishwasher broke. Yes, after 2 whole weeks of working, it just stopped. And so did life. Because how are we supposed to have clean dishes without it? It took a couple of days to realize that the dishes were going to have to be washed - - by hand. After my 5th "load" of dirty dishes, I suddenly had a flashback to my childhood, when all dishes had to be washed this way. All the time. My cousin once asked, "Where's your dishwasher?" and my dad, looking at my older sister and me, answered, "you're looking at them" He laughed, we trembled. It was traumatizing. So much so, that I've pushed the memory into the deepest, darkest recesses of my brain. I feel all those old feelings gnawing at me every dish I wash.
How could my parents have forced me to do this every single day? How did I survive such a horrific childhood??!!
My kids have gone to bed hungry at night, because the thought of washing the dishes they eat on is too horrifying. So I give them a cookie and them on their way.
How is my life supposed to continue like this? How can I possibly make it until this weekend? Life with no dishwasher is no life at all.
I think of my poor mother who had to hand wash every singled dish back in the day. Why did she even bother cooking? This is no way to live! Why didn't every single mother just feed their family sandwiches on napkins before dishwashers? Was there a before dishwashers?! The thought of not knowing the joys of a machine washing your dishes is too much for me. It's painful, really.
Friday our new dishwasher comes. I will kiss it. I will love it. I will care for it like it's my child. What other disaster could possibly come next? No tv? No internet? Bread that hasn't yet been sliced?
I think I need to lie down!

Wait, am I really this old now?!

As if hearing that Bryan Adam's "Everything I do (I do it for you)" was released in 1991 didn't already make me feel old (not to mention the whole being a mom and wife and having 2 cars and house, blah blah blah), today, I scheduled my first mammogram. Yes, I did. Now, technically, I'm not really old enough to be starting those just yet. I have about 5 more years to embrace before really becoming a woman. But due to my specialness (and family history), I was told go do it IMMEDIATELY! So, I did. And felt very, very, well, womanly. But not in a sexy, "I am woman, hear me roar" kind of way. No, in a, "time to schedule maintenance appointments" kind of way.
I know this is very important, and needs to be done. I work with SO many women who are being diagnosed with breast cancer, and who've recently been through treatment, it's ridiculous. It feels like every day there's a new female coworker who has been diagnosed. It's very scary. And especially since my mom is a survivor. I've always known that early intervention would be very important. But now that it's here, really, it feels unreal. Can I truly be old enough to have to deal with this and start thinking about it?
They asked me how old I was today when I called to make the appointment, and even though they said I was too young, when I said "30," it felt extremely old. It's much different than telling the bartender, "yeah, I'm 30" and having him say, "no way! you dont' look a that old!" Sure, the first person was telling me I was too young, and the second person was saying they couldn't believe I am that old, yet, that drink in your hand at the bar makes you feel younger than scheduling a mammogram.
But it has now begun. I have taken my first step at early intervention. I have no desire to be the next person to walk in to work, informing everyone when my surgery is. So, I guess I'll just have to deal with being "that age" now and do what needs to be done.

And speaking of doctor's and doctor's appointments, am I the only who who feels ridiculously stupid putting on the stupid gown thing they give you? I never know if I put it on the right way, and always, ALWAYS seem to rip a nice big whole in the paper they give you to cover up with. If nothing else, that will always have me feeling young and childish!! :-)

a 5 year old could do better...

In most marriages, at least from most tv shows I've seen, the woman is constantly correcting the husband's fashion mistakes. Or picking out his clothes so he doesn't make a mistake. Or buying his clothes. Or at least weighing in on his choices. But not in my family. That really doesn't happen at all. Not that I haven't been known to make a very, horrible fashion faux pas a time or two. Cuz I have worn some things that make me shudder when looking at pictures of myself. I usually just use the same excuse of, "well, no one looked good in those days," meaning the 90's, early 2000's, even if the picture I"m looking at of myself is clearly from a year or two ago....

No, in my family, if anyone is correcting the other, or shopping for the other, it would be my husband. Not because I have no fashion sense, he just can make decisions and go clothes shopping without having a meltdown. That's key.

I was never a fabulous dresser. I never really could afford it and I came from a set of parents who, well, had no fashion sense. No offense to them, but my dad would wear a Hawaiian shirt every single days (100% cotton only, of course), and my mom, well, she wears comfortable. They didn't have the time to be "fashionable" and that was never really instilled in us to "keep up with the times." Yes, they wanted us to look nice, but we had to make do with hand-me-downs, so their version of nice was usually much different than most.

But anyway, I do know what looks good. I know what I like to wear. I tend to like the more Bohemian aka hippie look, but Keith isn't always a huge fan of hippies, and since he can buy clothes without tears, I usually don't buy what I feel most comfortable in. Not that I don't like what he picks out. Or that I can't make any decisions at all. I can say "yes" or "no" through the tears, but, well...it's just easier letting him do it.

Now, where was this all going...oh, yes. So tonight, we were packing for our trip to Asheville/Knoxville, and the kids are going to my parents and Keith's parents, so it's a lot. I'm just not very good at that. I'm doing really well to dress myself on a daily basis, and dress each child. I'm doing well to remember to put my shoes on. And I'm supposed to pack 4 days worth of clothing, shoes, school stuff, toothbrushes, ect for 4 people (Keith packs for himself in under 5 minutes...and still looks good)?! I had 5 different projects going on when Keith got home, and was a complete mess. And, like a child, had to be sat down, told to calm down, and had to have him basically pick out my outfits. Then I'd say, well, wait, I wear this every day. I forgot that I could still wear my every day clothing. But this whole dressing for more than one day at a time had me all screwed up!

I would make a list, but halfway through it I'd get distracted, and would start making a next week's menu, then would be reminded of doctor's appointments and jump up to do something with that, then would see something laying on the floor that would remind me of something else...

Simply put, I may be 30, and I could definitely live on my own and take care of myself if I had to, but prefer to have someone with a more sane mind do the thinking and make the decisions around here.

some call me a dork

I just got 10 new books from the library today and I'm rather excited. What can I say....I like to read. And I had just finished a really, really good one and was left with some just ok books that didn't really hold my attention.
 So, now, which book do I start first? some are very different from each other, so I guess it all depends on my mood. Hmm....

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/401838.Alicia








http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/207161.The_Lost_Childhood
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/512898.Displaced_Person
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6993426-kids-are-all-right
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1384302.Six_Years_With_God
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/123588.Predators_Prey_and_Other_Kinfolk
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2237906.Nine_Suitcases
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/249825.Five_Chimneys
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5966605-notes-from-the-underwire
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1799965.This_is_Paradise_


actually, they aren't all so different

Who's your daddy?

Last weekend, Isabelle was with Emma at a birthday party, so the rest of us decided to go out for dinner. We figured we'd go eat at Charanda's and that way Tiernan could see Jairo, too.
We actually had a great dinner. The boys were great, Tiernan got to talk to Jairo, Jairo hung out with us, when he wasn't busy, and talked to us. Then as we were leaving, Tiernan went up front with Jairo.
As I walked up, I hear the 14 year old hooker, I mean, hostess, saying, "no way, that is not your kid!" and Jairo laughing saying, "yeah, he is." Manuel, an old friend who also works there, was trying to convince the girl, who just, omg, couldn't believe Jairo was old enough to have a 9 year old kid. She still wasn't convinced, so with all of us standing up there, she looks at Tiernan and says, "ok, who's your dad?"
Poor Tiernan. He looked back at Keith, looked at Jairo, kept going back and forth between them. You could feel the tension. It was so uncomfortable for everyone there. Jairo laughed and said, "seriously, he is my son." I finally chimed in and said, "yes, that is his son. For real."
And as if she hasn't already proven to us how brilliant she was, she turns to me and asks, "so, who's the baby mama?"
Yeah, those words very seriously left her mouth. I just smiled, said I was, and we left her to think about that for awhile. I'm not sure she's figured it out yet, to be honest.
I asked Keith later if that maybe made him feel a little better, to know that at the very least, Tiernan looked to him first. He told Tiernan it was ok, there really was no right answer in that situation. That was such a tough spot to put him in. Poor girl just had no brains, so couldn't possibly have realized how difficult of a question that is to ask a kid in Tiernan's situation.
Honestly, if you ask Tiernan, he'll tell you he doesn't have a "dad." He has two dad's, Keith and Jairo, but neither are "dad" to him, which has always been such a sad thing, I think. He loves them both, and when not put in the middle of them and asked, he will tell you that Keith is his dad. Usually, he'll throw in that Jairo is, too, it just depends on the situation.

I just hate that, still, Tiernan doesn't feel he really belongs to anyone. I wish I could change that for him, but I can't. I just want him to understand that he belongs to all of us and we all love him and want the best for him and would do anything for him. He will never have to pick, he can have us all!

it's been a decade, but I still remember

Ten years ago today is a day I can't forget. It's strange, because I don't remember every detail of 10 days ago, yet 10 years ago, I remember almost everything.

I was living with Jairo, Tiernan's dad, in Brittany Gregory's condo. I woke up to the sound of the radio, which was strange, because I hadn't set the alarm, and it was a very random time to have an alarm set for, anyway. I just remember hearing something about the tower evacuating or something. I just hopped up and turned it off, no idea what it was about, still confused as to why uit was going off.

Later we all got up, and I remember somehow hearing that something was happening in New York, but not exactly sure what. Brittany was in her room, door locked, as usual, and she had the only tv. We went to borrow Rosie's car who was at work. It had been my car, and she was always so nice about letting me use it if I needed to. We drove to the mall in Pineville for some reason, don't know why, exactly. Rosie had mentioned something about the attacks, and how it had to do with 911, our emergency number.

We got to the mall, and everything was closed. All the employees in Dillards were gathered in a group, and I just remember wondering what was going on. Something had happened up in New York, but I remember thinking, why are we shutting everything down here?! I had no idea the magnitude of it at the time.

So, we went to eat lunch at Ruby Tuesdays and that's when I realized what was going on. The tvs were all blaring the news reports and it was insane. I just remember being in such a shock. I could probably show you the exact booth we were sitting in, too.

So, we went back Brittany's and turned on the radio in the living room to the news reports. We were trying to listen to what was going on, and Brittany woke up and kept turning the station to music and dancing around the living room. I just remember being so angry with her ignorance. I said, "Brittany, something huge has happened, can we please just listen?" She kept wanting to dance, bored by the news. But I kept turning it back. We finally turned her tv on and that's when we saw everything. Over and over they kept replaying the plane flying into the building. She kept wanting to turn the channel to MTV, and I kept getting so pissed off at her for being so stupid (which, honestly, wasn't anything new. Anyone who knows her can tell you that). I just kept saying over and over, "this is like a movie, this is insane."
I started calling people to find out what was going on, but no one would answer the phone. I called my parents, I called other people int he church, no one would answer. I started to think, wow, maybe the rapture is real and they've been taken and this is it! The end! haha! I know, it was pretty crazy, but I mean, it was a crazy time. I finally did get some neighbors of my parents on the phone (which only made me think of the rapture even more! lol!), and they explained what was going on. I told them to tell my parents to call me if they saw them. I just remember being in such shock all day.

I think it was a long time before the true magnitude of it hit, really. Maybe not even till the 1st anniversary, when I was back home, with Tiernan, and able to really grasp what had happened.

It's still unbelievable, really. I can't imagine if I had actually been there, to see it happen, in real time. In real life.

Did it change my whole world? Personally, no, it really didn't. I just cannot imagine having been in the towers, having escaped. Having been on the street, watching it all go down. Having been one of the first responders.

Yes, this was a huge event in all of our lives, but those are the people who truly live with what happened every single day. The widows, orphans, parents who lost children.

It's still unreal it all happened. But thankfully, America, who usually loves to turn a blind eye to any and everything that is hard to watch/think about, will never, ever even attempt to forget what happened on that day 10 years ago.

2 year old Isabelle

I was reading Peach Heaven to Isabelle and Jack the other night, and remembered the email to and from the author, Yangsook Choi. Isabelle used to know every single word to her favorite book, so I let the author know. She was then kind enough to not just reply, but send Isabelle a picture of herself all grown up!
my email to her:

Hello! I just wanted to write you to tell you how much my two year old daughter, Isabelle, LOVES your book, Peach Heaven! We get it from the library every single time we go and renew it as many times as we can, and when we can't renew it again, we return it, then immedietly get it again! She knows every single word, literally every word! When I picked up another one of your books, she looked at the cover and said, "Yangsook, Yangsook!" :-)

We love your books and your art! Thank you so much for making her a very happy little girl!

Her reply:

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for such encouraging words and being a great facilitator for reading.

I really love writing for little people, I don't know if I ever want to write for 'old people'. :)

I'm attaching a photo of very grown-up Yangsook here. I don't know if Isabelle could understand now that a person grows old. But I want her to know that her love for Peach Heaven would never grow old in my heart.

Yangsook