a year since we lost Corey

One year ago today, we were getting ready for church as usual. The kids were playing, or probably fighting, in their rooms. Keith was in our bedroom, and I was in the living room fixing my hair. We heard Keith's phone ring. Within seconds, I didn't know what, but I knew something was wrong. Then Keith just said, very simply, "Corey died last night"

What? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. No, not punched. Kicked. With steel toed boots. I dropped my flat iron and wanted to drop the floor myself. I felt actual, physical pain.

You know how dramatic it is in movies when someone finds out a loved one dies? They fall over crying, or they start being sick. I always thought it was just acting. But it's not. I wanted to be sick. I really, physically wanted to be sick. It could NOT be real.

Just weeks before that we'd heard a girl we used to work with had died. Then within a

day, maybe two at most, I found out it was just a rumor. Corey was actually the one to call and say she'd died. He'd heard it all the way out in Colorado, and so I believed it must be true. Thankfully, it wasn't. I hoped that this was the same situation. Oh I prayed it was the same. Keith walked out of the room, and I knew there was nothing I could do for him at that moment. As much as I wanted to comfort him, there was no comfort I could give him at that moment, other than to let him grieve. In the movies, they get all emotional together, couples, I mean. The man breaks down in the woman's arms, and so on. But I knew that was not how we would mourn Corey. Keith isn't so tough he won't break down in times like those, but he isn't one to break down in my arms. That's just not him, and I'm fine with that! I knew what he needed to was to be alone.

So, I went into Tiernan's room. I wasn't sure how to explain to Tiernan that

his best buddy in the whole world was gone. I told him, and he didn't really understand/accept it. He said, "really? and kind of kept playing. I was kind of upset at first, then I realized, Tiernan processes things so differently. I knew it would take him some time to register what had happened, and when it did, it would be hard.

Isabelle laid in my lap and cried and cried for Uncle Corey. Jack, of course, couldn't understand. But it wouldn't be long before Tiernan would fully understand what happened, and it hit him very hard. He still struggles with it, refusing to really talk about Corey. He gets very upset when we talk about him and laugh about him. He's still dealing with it.

After Keith showered, and got dressed, he said he and Hunt were heading to Thomas' house. They needed to be together. As much as I wanted to be there with him, to grieve, I knew it was no time to make a fuss about going. And someone had to be with the kids, obviously.

Once he left, I decided to investigate. As much as I felt deep down this was the horrible reality, I hoped it was a terrible rumor or mistake. I got online while the kids played in the back. I googled his name and Aspen, or something. It popped up right away, an article about his car accident. I broke down reading it. It was real.

The whole day was quite a blur. As much as I wanted to be w

ith Keith, and even the rest of the guys, I knew I was going to just have to let Keith do his thing with his friends, and just do mine on my own.

It was just so unreal. The whole thing. The days and weeks that followed. Keith celebrated his birthday the following weekend, as much as his family wanted to celebrate as usual, there was no celebrating. It was too raw. Too new. Keith had lost his best friend, and it would be along time before he could celebrate anything, or think of anything at all besides his best friend.

We still mourn for him, we still grieve, but it's changed now, obviously. We may have lost Corey, but he's always there. Every time everyone gets together, Corey always comes up. Telling old stories. Talking about ridiculous he was! Then there's always the sigh and moment of silence.

Last night we released doves in his memory. I wasn't sure how it would be, I felt like we were invading his family on a day they would want to spend privately. But I think seeing all of Corey's close friends there, celebrating Corey's life, mourning his death. Seeing none of them have forgotten, they've all moved on, but with a piece of Corey. I think it was good for them. I hope.

So, anyway, here we are one year later. Missing Corey, but thankful for the memories we have of him. I wish Tiernan could still have his buddy Corey, but I'm so glad he has such fabulous memories of him. I'm thankful he never had to see Corey like we saw him a few times, sadly. I'm thankful his memories are all wonderful.

I wish Isabelle and Jack had more time with him, but I'm so glad they had the little time they did. Corey loved all three of them so much. And even though it was hard losing him, I have to think God took him in a brief moment of peace that Corey had. He struggled so much, that I have to believe that the day he died, he felt peace, and that was that. He seemed at peace when I talked to him. I have no idea what he was feeling that idea. I don't really know his state of mind, but I feel like he knew something. He made sure to tell everyone he loved them and he connected with a lot of people that day. He wanted to make sure I told Keith how sorry he was if he ever let him down and how much he loved him. I'm so thankful that I was able to talk to him that day and let him know that of course Keith loved him, no matter what. We all loved him and we missed him. I hope he felt a little better after our conversation knowing that despite it all, we still considered him family and loved him.

So, yes, we miss him terribly, but I'm so thankful for all the memories we have of him. I know I didn't know him as long as some, but he was like family to me. My kids had a pretty awesome uncle in Corey :-)