a year since we lost Corey

One year ago today, we were getting ready for church as usual. The kids were playing, or probably fighting, in their rooms. Keith was in our bedroom, and I was in the living room fixing my hair. We heard Keith's phone ring. Within seconds, I didn't know what, but I knew something was wrong. Then Keith just said, very simply, "Corey died last night"

What? I felt like I had been punched in the gut. No, not punched. Kicked. With steel toed boots. I dropped my flat iron and wanted to drop the floor myself. I felt actual, physical pain.

You know how dramatic it is in movies when someone finds out a loved one dies? They fall over crying, or they start being sick. I always thought it was just acting. But it's not. I wanted to be sick. I really, physically wanted to be sick. It could NOT be real.

Just weeks before that we'd heard a girl we used to work with had died. Then within a

day, maybe two at most, I found out it was just a rumor. Corey was actually the one to call and say she'd died. He'd heard it all the way out in Colorado, and so I believed it must be true. Thankfully, it wasn't. I hoped that this was the same situation. Oh I prayed it was the same. Keith walked out of the room, and I knew there was nothing I could do for him at that moment. As much as I wanted to comfort him, there was no comfort I could give him at that moment, other than to let him grieve. In the movies, they get all emotional together, couples, I mean. The man breaks down in the woman's arms, and so on. But I knew that was not how we would mourn Corey. Keith isn't so tough he won't break down in times like those, but he isn't one to break down in my arms. That's just not him, and I'm fine with that! I knew what he needed to was to be alone.

So, I went into Tiernan's room. I wasn't sure how to explain to Tiernan that

his best buddy in the whole world was gone. I told him, and he didn't really understand/accept it. He said, "really? and kind of kept playing. I was kind of upset at first, then I realized, Tiernan processes things so differently. I knew it would take him some time to register what had happened, and when it did, it would be hard.

Isabelle laid in my lap and cried and cried for Uncle Corey. Jack, of course, couldn't understand. But it wouldn't be long before Tiernan would fully understand what happened, and it hit him very hard. He still struggles with it, refusing to really talk about Corey. He gets very upset when we talk about him and laugh about him. He's still dealing with it.

After Keith showered, and got dressed, he said he and Hunt were heading to Thomas' house. They needed to be together. As much as I wanted to be there with him, to grieve, I knew it was no time to make a fuss about going. And someone had to be with the kids, obviously.

Once he left, I decided to investigate. As much as I felt deep down this was the horrible reality, I hoped it was a terrible rumor or mistake. I got online while the kids played in the back. I googled his name and Aspen, or something. It popped up right away, an article about his car accident. I broke down reading it. It was real.

The whole day was quite a blur. As much as I wanted to be w

ith Keith, and even the rest of the guys, I knew I was going to just have to let Keith do his thing with his friends, and just do mine on my own.

It was just so unreal. The whole thing. The days and weeks that followed. Keith celebrated his birthday the following weekend, as much as his family wanted to celebrate as usual, there was no celebrating. It was too raw. Too new. Keith had lost his best friend, and it would be along time before he could celebrate anything, or think of anything at all besides his best friend.

We still mourn for him, we still grieve, but it's changed now, obviously. We may have lost Corey, but he's always there. Every time everyone gets together, Corey always comes up. Telling old stories. Talking about ridiculous he was! Then there's always the sigh and moment of silence.

Last night we released doves in his memory. I wasn't sure how it would be, I felt like we were invading his family on a day they would want to spend privately. But I think seeing all of Corey's close friends there, celebrating Corey's life, mourning his death. Seeing none of them have forgotten, they've all moved on, but with a piece of Corey. I think it was good for them. I hope.

So, anyway, here we are one year later. Missing Corey, but thankful for the memories we have of him. I wish Tiernan could still have his buddy Corey, but I'm so glad he has such fabulous memories of him. I'm thankful he never had to see Corey like we saw him a few times, sadly. I'm thankful his memories are all wonderful.

I wish Isabelle and Jack had more time with him, but I'm so glad they had the little time they did. Corey loved all three of them so much. And even though it was hard losing him, I have to think God took him in a brief moment of peace that Corey had. He struggled so much, that I have to believe that the day he died, he felt peace, and that was that. He seemed at peace when I talked to him. I have no idea what he was feeling that idea. I don't really know his state of mind, but I feel like he knew something. He made sure to tell everyone he loved them and he connected with a lot of people that day. He wanted to make sure I told Keith how sorry he was if he ever let him down and how much he loved him. I'm so thankful that I was able to talk to him that day and let him know that of course Keith loved him, no matter what. We all loved him and we missed him. I hope he felt a little better after our conversation knowing that despite it all, we still considered him family and loved him.

So, yes, we miss him terribly, but I'm so thankful for all the memories we have of him. I know I didn't know him as long as some, but he was like family to me. My kids had a pretty awesome uncle in Corey :-)

As soon as my mom drove off with my kids, I turned to walk back into the house and Keith stopped me and said, "hey, why don't you go change and come back out and help me finish up out here?" Oh, yard work. Yes. As soon as my mom leaves with two of my children (the other is already gone), that's exactly what I want to do. Yard work. In this heat.

See, yard work isn't really my thing. It isn't so much because I'm lazy (although, that doesn't really help), it's just, I don't know, not for me. I don't have the knack! I'd love to. I mean, a garden is something I've always wanted to do, but I never get around to doing it. I just don't have what it takes to garden. I get too stressed about the where, and what order, and which plants and stupid stuff, that I never get around to actually doing it. Sucks, but, I've come to accept it.

I walked back out and said, "why don't we just stop for the day. It's 4:30, we can just go get ready and take the boat out, get something to eat" See, that's my way of thinking. Keith said, "stop? now? We're only half an hour away from being done! Why would we stop." ugh. I should have known better. But unfortunately Keith's half hour is the real person's one hour. "one more minute" is more like half an hour.

But Keith loves this stuff. He'll say he hates yard work, and maybe he does, but he loves to make things look nice. He loves to finish what he starts. I do too, I just don't.

Oh well. Yard looks good now. I can say I did my teeny tiny part and hope he never asks again. Or at least not for a long time

Free Sara Kruzan

http://www.elizabethohara.com/forsarakruzan-gallery.php

it's been how long?

So, our 5th anniversary is coming up (yeah, 5 years and we're both still alive. we've been together over 6, actually. pretty amazing if you ask me!), and I wanted to do something, ya know, "special." More like different. Not just go eat dinner and go back home. We've never been able to go anywhere without kids/without being pregnant, so I thought it'd be nice.
For some reason, I've had my mind set on Asheville, NC. Couldn't really tell you why. We both like the mountains, so I guess that's why. Again, no idea, because we're not going to the Biltmore or anything (trust me, I wouldn't even bother asking!). Something in the mountains would be nice, somewhere we can go somewhere nice to eat without having to drive an hour, yet still feel we're in the mountains kind of deal.
I'd been looking and looking. Keith seems to think you can still get a decent hotel room for about $60 (apparently he hasn't gotten a room in years, I don't know), and they have nothing like that in Asheville. We have to stay somewhere with a tv because Carolina plays Arkansas that weekend, which you all know is super important (rolling my eyes). He had joked about going to Arkansas for our anniversary, and going to the game. Yeah, sounds super excited. Just the name itself is uninviting.
But after looking and looking and feeling like we were just going to end up sitting at home or at the Pub House watching the game, I started to think, well, I wonder what Fayetteville, Arkansas is like. So, I looked it up. Not too bad. The pictures seem nice. Downtown is cute. Hmmm, maybe this won't be such a terrible thing to surprise him with. We can get tickets to the game and I mean, I can't go wrong with that!
Then I started looking at hotels. Oh, oh, there's, oh, just nothing. The nicest hotel (as in nicest in our price range! even right above, honestly) was nowhere I want to stay on my anniversary. Or ever, really.
Then Keith sent me a link to a place outside of Asheville that he found that is amazing. It's this beautiful, fairytale castle like little place out in sticks. Just gorgeous. I told him to book it!
Sure, he'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to go to the Gamecocks game. But I mean, it isn't like he never gets to go see them play. He'll be at the very next game, the very next weekend! So, I figure, why tell him about MY possible idea when his idea is so much better and keeps me out of a football stadium on my anniversary?!
It's not like I don't watch the Gamecocks play on every single anniversary. It isn't like I didn't sit there and watch them play on my wedding night!! I deserve to keep my little secret from him!!
Let's just hope I can get the mail before him when the Fayetteville, Ark brochure comes to the house!!!


left, the place in Asheville
below, Arkansas

so my kids aren't perfect

There are a couple of ways to handle situations involving your child throwing a fit or saying something totally inappropriate in the middle of the store. Sometimes it depends on where in the store you are and how important the item you're in there for is.

Obviously, one option is to put down whatever is in your hand, walk away from your buggy (southern for grocery cart, or whatever), grab your child and walk out the door. Another is to turn around, scream/yell, stomp your feet, go on and on about their terrible behavior, in other words, throw your own mommy fit. Or you can just ignore it and pretend it isn't happening, and go about your business.

But me, no, I did neither of these the other night in Walgreens. There we were at the register, Tiernan very upset that I wouldn't buy this little coloring book for him. At that point, he just wanted something, anything. He didn't even care what it was, as long as I bought him something. I told him no for the final time, and he said, "you're the meanest mom ever." ok, no big deal. Kids say it, whatever. I just rolled my eyes and said, "yes, I know, come on" and kept walking up to the register. Then he started going on about how much he hated me. He was rather angry. He didn't say it so loud the entire store could hear him, and he wasn't screaming, crying, throwing a fit. Just telling me he hated me. Loud enough, though, that the cashier and the nosy old lady in front of me could hear him.

Now, I happen to know that Tiernan does not hate me. I don't appreciate him telling me he does, and I don't really approve of it, don't get me wrong. But I'm in the store, I'm not going to make a scene. I just simply looked at him and said, "Tiernan, stop. Right now. Not another word. We will talk in the car" This didn't do a whole lot of good, and he kept his arms folded in front of him and reminded me how he felt about me at that moment. I turned back toward the register and the old lady in front of me could not keep her eyes off of us, mouth gaping. Really, lady? I'm sure her kids never, ever threw fits or said anything wrong, especially not in public. There were a few things I wanted to tell her, but I chose not to. She just kept bringing her grandkids closer to her, and walked, backwards, so as not to miss anything, towards the door. I just rolled my eyes at her, then brought my attention to the cashier.

No "hello" no "how are you" nothing. She would not even make eye contact with me. Just rang up my stuff, didn't even give me a price, and gave my my reciept, without looking at me. Oh come on.

It's not like he was throwing things and on the floor kicking and screaming. But see, the grandmother is the one who really bugged me.

This poor cashier has no children, and at that very moment was telling herself, "my children will NEVER act like that"

That's right, honey, you just keep telling yourself that. But I have news for her, they will. And they will act their worst, at the worst possible time. And at that moment, she will suddenly remember the woman who's son hated her at Walgreens. and she'll think, "oh silly me"

http://geo-pick.com/

ok, this is awesome and may come in handy while we explore the world!!

Around the world in however long it takes

I want my kids to see the world. What I would really really love is for us, as a family, to travel the world. To go from place to place, seeing new things, new people, hearing different languages. Just learning all kinds of things you can't learn in school. Not that school is pointless, I don't mean that. But oh how I would love to just spend a year traveling around the world.

But since right now, it seems rather unlikely (thanks mostly to a husband who has zero desire to see anything outside of South Carolina!! love you, honey!), I figure the best we can do, is learn about the world.

Awhile back, maybe it was last year, I had the great idea to pick a country a month. So, Tiernan and I picked 6 countries to learn about in 6 months. Oh it was such a fun idea. We'd find it on the map. We'd learn the capital, the language they speak (not learn to speak it, really, just about it!), we'd make a meal from that country. Well, like most things I start, I never really got around to completing it. And I hate that.
We ARE going to do that this year. I'm going to buy a map of the world and the kids are going to learn where the country is, find the capital, learn about their culture, ect, ect. I'm so excited. I grew up learning about countries all over the world, and I loved every second of it. I want that for my kids.

I want my kids to learn that there is so much more to life than what Rock Hill has to offer. I'm actually starting a bank account for them so that in the future, if Tiernan, Belle or Jack decides they want to see Uganda or Brazil or Croatia, Singapore or Cambodia, or China or anywhere at all, or everywhere, I can say, "well, here, one third of whatever is in this bank account is yours. Go!" I will help them pack their bags, get their things to together and send them off. I want them to have a sense of adventure. If they choose to come back to Rock Hill and get a job, great. As long as they're doing it after they feel they've explored all their options. I do not want them to settle simply because it's what they're told they should do.

If they want to live in a mud hut somewhere, or in the jungle somewhere, or in a cabin somewhere, I will support them 100%. So what if they aren't making a ton of money doing it. Or any money. If they are doing what they love, then do it. Go!

I guess I started to think about it when I was putting Belle's new clothes on her this morning. Strange, I know. But I realized, all her clothes are so generic. No personality to them. They're adorable, don't get me wrong, but they're just there. Not that clothes define you, I don't mean that. It was just what brought it all up!

I don't want Isabelle to grow up being the generic American girl. Going to school, dance, cheerleading, going to college, getting married, getting some job that she may or may not want. If that's what she wants, then great, go for it. But I want her to be her. I want her to explore, to go do things that may not be considered all the girly or whatever. But I want her to be her. Not who everyone wants her to be.

Maybe it doesnt' make much sense written down. It did in my mind! ha! I feel like with Belle I'm going to have to work a lot harder and instilling that sense of adventure and exploration because she's so close to her Honey, who I adore, but who will absolutely NOT want her to leave the country!! :-) I will show Belle that it's ok to leave and do what you want with your life and not be stuck here.

I guess that's it. I don't want any of my children to feel stuck here, or anywhere. Like they have no other options. I don't want them to be stuck in some mediocre job that they barely like because they have to make everyone happy.

So, I"m out of time and I'm not sure I've made any point at all here! But I did try. hmmm...oh well!

gotta give credit where credit is due

I really, really hate to give my parents too much credit for parenting me. Because, honestly, look at me...they didn't do that great of a job, really. But, I must give at least my mother credit for one thing (and in all honestly, besides making me a weird paranoid freak, my dad has taught me some pretty great things, too). The other night, Keith and I were taking a rare moment to talk about our kids (is there anything else talk about? beside the Gamecocks, no!), and Keith was just talking about some of Tiernan's, well, stranger tendencies. I said, "You know what, I gotta say, my mom may have made a TON of mistakes in raising me, but, I gotta give her credit for always, ALWAYS taking my most negative tendencies and turning them around to tell me that one day, if I could use them for something good, I could do great things with them. It usually went something like, "Sarah, one day, God will use that stubbornness to do something great"

And I remember those times she said that. The few times she wasn't beating me with a Bible ;-)

But in all seriousness, I was reminded of that when Keith was talking about how annoying it was when Tiernan just REFUSED to take no for an answer. Or when he kept asking the same question over and over and over and over and just can not wait for the answer. I told him how my mom used to say that, and how it actually meant something to me. It made me, even if just for a moment, think that maybe I did have some potential. Maybe there was something I could do.

I told him, ya know, maybe the same will be for Tiernan. Maybe one day he'll be just as stubborn when fighting for something he knows will help change the world. Or change one person's life. Maybe he'll stand there and not take no for an answer, or not just wait in line while people suffer. Maybe he'll bug the hell out of people till they give him what it takes to make a difference! I believe it. I believe any of my kids can take their annoying little habits and use them for good. Not to sound cheesy, but I'm serious. I want my kids to fight to help people. I want them to make a different, or at least to want to make one. I want them to get in people's faces if that's what it takes. I just want them to use what they have and make it a positive thing.

It won't always be. They will still get on people's nerves. Ours, their future spouses, children, ect. I mean, it gets on Keith's nerves when I'm out there saving the world, but I do it anyway!

But really, I do want my kids to stop whining. Oh how I want them to stop whining. And complaining. And fighting. And stomping their feet. They have some work to do to turn their annoying habits around, but I do believe they can use it to do something good one day.

Tiernan has a lot of passion. I tell him all the time it's the Latin in him! He gets angry, he gets emotional, he gets upset, happy, sad, you name it, he gets it. Very passionate. But he also has a huge hart. He can see when someone is hurting. He wants to help people. Very much. He befriends the underdog, ever single time. He has no desire to be the cool kid's friend, he wants to be friends with the kid who's getting picked on. Is it because he's a saint? No, it's because he's so passionate, and he hates seeing his best friend who doesn't speak English very well getting picked on. So, he becomes his best buddy! I love that about him. I don't care if he is never in the cool crowd, even though before kids, I would have said differently. No parents wants a dork for a kid, but if it takes my son being slightly dorky, like his mother, to help make a difference to another kid, then go for it, my love!

I tell Tiernan all the time how proud of him I am. Not for any in particular, just for being him. I tell all my kids that. I tell them they dont' have to change and be like anyone else. They can make a difference just like they are. Just learn when to fight, and when to step back. When to keep bugging people for what you want to hear, and when it's time to try something different.

My kids will leave home one day, and hopefully go far, far away. And that's another thing my parents prepared us, and themselves, for when we were growing up. And I appreciate that so much. They taught us about other places, all around the world. We had missionaries from just about everywhere in our homes, and that became our lesson for the day (because, yes, we were, ugh home schooled). I learned more from them than from any math book. Do you think I can do a lick of algebra now? No, not a bit. But, I can tell you where countries are that Keith didn't even know existed! And I am rather proud of that!
I want my kids to use their strengths, and strengthen their weaknesses to make a difference. To think about what's outside of themselves and Rock Hill, and South Carolina, and this country. I will finance trips abroad! I will cry at the airport, but push them down the terminal into the plane!

I have a lot of great plans for my kids, and I tell them about them every day! Just the other day, I asked Tiernan if he wanted to learn about Nepal! Now, really, how many parents are as cool as me?!

http://freejasonp.com/

late, late, late

I couldn't be on time to anything if you paid me! And that is exactly what my job does. They pay me to be at work...on time, would be nice. However, I just can't seem to do it. Part of the problem is...no, it's just me. Being me. I'd like to blame my parents. It seems the cool thing to do, be my age and blame your parents for everything. So, mom, dad, I blame you for my chronic lateness. There. I do feel somewhat better!

almost a year

It's coming up on a year since we lost a dear, dear friend/uncle. Corey left us what seems like forever ago, yet just yesterday. Even though it's been almost a year, I still feel like he's gonna show up at our house and scoop the kids up and give them great big hugs. I still feel like he's gonna call and it will all have just been a terrible nightmare, or misunderstanding. Something. But, I doubt that will happen. It looks like we're just going to have to keep going on missing him. Thinking about him past tense. We'll be talking about him, and it's weird, it will just hit me all over again, that wow, he's not here. Really, seriously, not here. And not coming back. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I loved him dearly. It breaks my heart even more, because I see how much it pains Keith to have lost his best friend. That isn't a pain that will leave him anytime soon, or probably ever. It hurts me because Tiernan absolutely adored Corey. He looked up to him. He was his best buddy. And Tiernan is heartbroken over having lost him. It hurts knowing Belle and Jack will only have very faded memories of him. As they get older, they will most likely remember him less and less. Jack was not even 2 year when we lost Corey. We talk about him, and I show him pictures, and he points him out, and that makes me feel better. But oh how I wish Isabelle and Jack could know Corey the way Tiernan knew him. Or maybe I'm thankful that they weren't old enough to understand how much it hurts to lose someone we love. I saw Tiernan struggle for the longest time. He, unfortunately, was not too young to experience the pain of losing Corey.

One day I hope he will be able to show the Loflins the book that he wrote in memory of Corey shortly after his passing. He wrote it to show Corey's mom, to show her how much he loved Corey. We haven't yet, because I just cannot even begin to imagine her life without Corey. Being a mother myself, I don't even want to try to imagine how difficult this year has been for her.

But I am thankful that we did have Corey in our lives while we did.

This year has felt like an eternity, yet it feels like just yesterday. It's still a little numb.